Publicity done right in an anti-rape campaign: double-page spread, pages glued to one another. After the reader forcefully separates them, the image above is revealed with the caption “if you have to use force, it’s rape”.
I decided to take a break from writing anything. As much as I wanted to wallow in self pity on this social media, I refrained.
It’s been awhile since I’ve felt at peace with
my life as a whole
Since I’ve lived here in Lawrence, it’s been a roller coaster. I have found myself here or have picked the good that used to come of me back up and have found an improved me. For a few months I lost my head, thoughts, and reality. There wasn’t a week that I would be completely sober. Crying or having a panic attack at any moment. Feeling like abusing something else would help me cope with my own self, but it only made it worse. I did this when I was a teenager, so why the hell I thought it would work this time, stumps me.
I finally changed my schedule at work so I worked only afternoons, Monday through Friday. I would get there around 1015 and be there all afternoon. It was the balance I needed for myself. It was the change that I needed. Being around people who genuinely care to see me and enjoy my presence every day is what I needed. When I would work evenings, I would lay around, think about nonsense, do some things around the apartment, and get myself ready for the evening. Getting to work and all I want to do is go back home and curl up in bed. Something about working at night had such a negative impact on my psychological status.
I’ve picked up drawing again. Though, I have only done a few, but that’s more than I have done in five years. This last drawing that I have done is my best work yet, it just says so much in one half naked lady. I have also discovered Charles Bukowski, that man, that man is a phenomenal. His writing attracts me, pulls me in, makes me feel comfort in an odd and twisted way.
I suppose what I am trying to say is this:
I am not okay, but I am figuring out what it is that I need to do in order to be. Most days I am happy and can spend a whole day on the positive. Some days I wake up unhappy and unsettled, but turn it around. Some days I am a stranger to myself and to everyone around me. Do I let this stop me from what I want to achieve? Even if I wanted it to, I couldn’t. I have so much to give back to everyone who has given me the grace to be welcomed in their tiny little unconventional lives, like mine, but on a different spectrum.
Right now, I’m driving a manual and I have yet to blow the clutch.
Submissions from Lawrence, Kansas during “Together Strong” event hosted by GaDuGi SafeCenter, Willow Domestic Violence Center, and the Emily Taylor Center for Women and Gender Equality. The photographer is Ailecia Ruscin of Oh! Snap! Photography.
So, in four days it will be 10 years since my life turned completely around.
I thought that I was finally seeing things differently, from a whole new perspective, but I’ve come to realize that I am still stuck in that 12 year old body.
This may be because it is so close to the “anniversary”. I lose my head so easily during this time, but what I need to find in my mind is the reality of the situation and confront myself with: have I made this a habit to knock my world upside down or is it still perfectly okay to still be recovering.
I know I have said this before, but can someone really fully recover? I look at myself and see a young woman struggling to figure out what her life means to her and how others portray her. Practicing a technique to stay on track is hard to do, especially if you do it alone… Alone, this word seems comforting to me, soothing, but dangerously familiar. I wonder if my friends and family can tell that I feel alone, not just by looking at me, but by talking to me over the phone or in person.
Jealousy is my main issue, I believe. What is there for me to be so jealous about? Well, looks like he has moved on with his life and has started a family. Found a nice young broad and had a baby. I think that this is the main thing that I am jealous of. Starting a family. This would be the time to imagine my abuser standing right in front of me and telling him, “A family, starting my own family, being a mother to my own flesh in blood is something you took away from me.”
I need to stop writing a stupid blog about this and go to a damn therapist. I know I need psychological help and I will not hesitate to reach out and ask for help.
I just want to thank every single person who has put their time aside to read this. It’s mostly rambling bullshit that I don’t proofread. I just type whatever I am thinking and go from there, so most half-ass thoughts, and pity me crap that makes you want to be like “damnnnn, that girl really does need some help!” This actually calms me down, doesn’t make me want to crawl in bed, cry, and pull my hair out.
I don’t know how often I’ll post after this. Maybe, I’ll write my first visit back to the therapist.
Last Thursday was Thanksgiving. Spending the holiday with my family was exactly what I needed. My boyfriend and I spent our holiday separate for the most part. The one main reason is because his uncle was there.
I can’t really remember how long ago this was, maybe almost two years now, but he tried touching me inappropriately. He was drunk, but that does not change the fact that he knew exactly what he was doing. I was eating food at his dinner table while my boyfriend was sleeping in the recliner. I tried shrugging him off, told him I had to use the bathroom, and then told him I was tired and going to bed.
We were staying at his house that night because we didn’t have our car with us. I thought nothing of his disgusting attempts, but then he came out in his silky boxers and asked me to scoot over (I was laying on the couch). I proceeded to scoot over and then he started to feel me up. I immediately jumped up and told him I had to go. It was raining outside, I was wearing shorts, a sweatshirt, and sandals. He told me to not wake up my boyfriend and to just dropit.
I woke him up (DUH), I told him that I was leaving, with or without him. He got up and asked me what was going on, but I was already out the door when he was beginning to wonder what in the world happened. I told him about his uncle and told him that I was going to call a cab. I didn’t know where we were so, they couldn’t come and get us. I called several other cab services and they all rejected the call because I already called other services and they didn’t have a precise location. So, I tried one more and described where I was exactly and the operator said, “Oh, I know where that is, go to the laundromat just a block down and we will pick you up there.” Thank goodness for that laundromat, it was chilly and wet outside.
Honestly, I felt like I had “sexually assault” me written on my forehead. Though, he didn’t actually do anything to me, he violated me. It is NOT because of how I was acting or dressed, I was sober, I was 19, and I am not attracted to men who are old enough to be my grandfather. The next day he dropped off a chess set we left at his house and the note inside said, “******, I apologize for last night, I don’t think I owe her an apology.” I told my mother about it, my boyfriend told his mother. We didn’t talk about it. Then, his uncle also talked to his mom about it and ever since then, she has protected me from seeing him. She knows he was in the wrong and she believes that he knows it as well. He is embarrassed and ashamed, I’m sure. ——- sarcasm.
Just to know that I have a wall of support from someone who was so close to once again, assault me, is so much to be thankful for.
For her to make sure he was gone while I was on my way to their house was such a relief. I ended up spending my Thanksgiving with my family and my future family.
I’ve been on edge lately. Waking up from horrible dreams. I dream of rape, my rape, but there is nobody there. I feel weight, warm breath, and his enjoyment. I can’t breathe, I feel like I’m about to suffocate.
Then I wake up.
Then I come back to reality.
I have recovered, maybe there is some more room to recover? Will I ever recover fully, absolutelyfuckingnot.
As much as I’d like to train to become an advocate there is something in the back of my mind that thinks that I cannot help others, because I feel sympathetic. Maybe, if I didn’t have a personal connection with them it wouldn’t affect me as I would think?
My childhood friend was molested two weeks ago and I found out just a few days ago. I was pissed off, worried, sad, and anxious. I didn’t know how to approach the situation, should I tell her I know and that I am here? Do I tell her that she will get through this and she is not alone? Typical things anyone would say to a victim, if you ask me.
She came to me, told me it was all ok. She was okay. I don’t believe her, but then again, maybe she is stronger than I am. She hides her emotions well, unlike myself. I want to know her secret.
I just wish that what had happened to me would not happen to anyone else around me. Even though her assault was completely different than mine, it still happened to her, and she still has to live with what happened to her every day.
Abusers will always be abusers.
Victims can choose to overcome their abuse and choose to better themselves from the dirty shit the abuser put them through. Victims can save themselves, the abuser never will.
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