Submissions from Lawrence, Kansas during “Together Strong” event hosted by GaDuGi SafeCenter, Willow Domestic Violence Center, and the Emily Taylor Center for Women and Gender Equality. The photographer is Ailecia Ruscin of Oh! Snap! Photography.
So, in four days it will be 10 years since my life turned completely around.
I thought that I was finally seeing things differently, from a whole new perspective, but I’ve come to realize that I am still stuck in that 12 year old body.
This may be because it is so close to the “anniversary”. I lose my head so easily during this time, but what I need to find in my mind is the reality of the situation and confront myself with: have I made this a habit to knock my world upside down or is it still perfectly okay to still be recovering.
I know I have said this before, but can someone really fully recover? I look at myself and see a young woman struggling to figure out what her life means to her and how others portray her. Practicing a technique to stay on track is hard to do, especially if you do it alone… Alone, this word seems comforting to me, soothing, but dangerously familiar. I wonder if my friends and family can tell that I feel alone, not just by looking at me, but by talking to me over the phone or in person.
Jealousy is my main issue, I believe. What is there for me to be so jealous about? Well, looks like he has moved on with his life and has started a family. Found a nice young broad and had a baby. I think that this is the main thing that I am jealous of. Starting a family. This would be the time to imagine my abuser standing right in front of me and telling him, “A family, starting my own family, being a mother to my own flesh in blood is something you took away from me.”
I need to stop writing a stupid blog about this and go to a damn therapist. I know I need psychological help and I will not hesitate to reach out and ask for help.
I just want to thank every single person who has put their time aside to read this. It’s mostly rambling bullshit that I don’t proofread. I just type whatever I am thinking and go from there, so most half-ass thoughts, and pity me crap that makes you want to be like “damnnnn, that girl really does need some help!” This actually calms me down, doesn’t make me want to crawl in bed, cry, and pull my hair out.
I don’t know how often I’ll post after this. Maybe, I’ll write my first visit back to the therapist.
Love and let love.
Last Thursday was Thanksgiving. Spending the holiday with my family was exactly what I needed. My boyfriend and I spent our holiday separate for the most part. The one main reason is because his uncle was there.
I can’t really remember how long ago this was, maybe almost two years now, but he tried touching me inappropriately. He was drunk, but that does not change the fact that he knew exactly what he was doing. I was eating food at his dinner table while my boyfriend was sleeping in the recliner. I tried shrugging him off, told him I had to use the bathroom, and then told him I was tired and going to bed.
We were staying at his house that night because we didn’t have our car with us. I thought nothing of his disgusting attempts, but then he came out in his silky boxers and asked me to scoot over (I was laying on the couch). I proceeded to scoot over and then he started to feel me up. I immediately jumped up and told him I had to go. It was raining outside, I was wearing shorts, a sweatshirt, and sandals. He told me to not wake up my boyfriend and to just drop it.
I woke him up (DUH), I told him that I was leaving, with or without him. He got up and asked me what was going on, but I was already out the door when he was beginning to wonder what in the world happened. I told him about his uncle and told him that I was going to call a cab. I didn’t know where we were so, they couldn’t come and get us. I called several other cab services and they all rejected the call because I already called other services and they didn’t have a precise location. So, I tried one more and described where I was exactly and the operator said, “Oh, I know where that is, go to the laundromat just a block down and we will pick you up there.” Thank goodness for that laundromat, it was chilly and wet outside.
Honestly, I felt like I had “sexually assault” me written on my forehead. Though, he didn’t actually do anything to me, he violated me. It is NOT because of how I was acting or dressed, I was sober, I was 19, and I am not attracted to men who are old enough to be my grandfather. The next day he dropped off a chess set we left at his house and the note inside said, “******, I apologize for last night, I don’t think I owe her an apology.” I told my mother about it, my boyfriend told his mother. We didn’t talk about it. Then, his uncle also talked to his mom about it and ever since then, she has protected me from seeing him. She knows he was in the wrong and she believes that he knows it as well. He is embarrassed and ashamed, I’m sure. ——- sarcasm.
Just to know that I have a wall of support from someone who was so close to once again, assault me, is so much to be thankful for.
For her to make sure he was gone while I was on my way to their house was such a relief. I ended up spending my Thanksgiving with my family and my future family.
I just don’t understand
I’ve been on edge lately. Waking up from horrible dreams. I dream of rape, my rape, but there is nobody there. I feel weight, warm breath, and his enjoyment. I can’t breathe, I feel like I’m about to suffocate.
Then I wake up.
Then I come back to reality.
I have recovered, maybe there is some more room to recover? Will I ever recover fully, absolutelyfuckingnot.
As much as I’d like to train to become an advocate there is something in the back of my mind that thinks that I cannot help others, because I feel sympathetic. Maybe, if I didn’t have a personal connection with them it wouldn’t affect me as I would think?
My childhood friend was molested two weeks ago and I found out just a few days ago. I was pissed off, worried, sad, and anxious. I didn’t know how to approach the situation, should I tell her I know and that I am here? Do I tell her that she will get through this and she is not alone? Typical things anyone would say to a victim, if you ask me.
She came to me, told me it was all ok. She was okay. I don’t believe her, but then again, maybe she is stronger than I am. She hides her emotions well, unlike myself. I want to know her secret.
I just wish that what had happened to me would not happen to anyone else around me. Even though her assault was “mild” compared to mine, it still happened to her, and she still has to live with what happened to her every day.
Abusers will always be abusers.
Victims can choose to overcome their abuse and choose to better themselves from the dirty shit the abuser put them through. Victims can save themselves, the abuser never will.
A very important message to you. If you’re a sexual assault victim, domestic violence victim, bullied, anything. You will survive because you’re strong, your abuser will always suffer.
Here is a list of blogs, websites, or videos that can help you if you are suffering from anything listed below. If you do not suffer from any of these things listed, but do know someone that does suffer from anything listed, these links may also be helpful. Smile, it looks beautiful on you.
If you know of any website that is not listed that would be of help to anyone, please submit it to us here.
Also, our ask is always open, so click here if you ever feel the need to vent.
In case of an emergency, please call the emergency dispatch center.
- Love Is Respect
- Love Is Respect (Digital Abuse)
- Love Is Respect (Emotional/Verbal Abuse)
- Love Is Respect (Financial Abuse)
- Love Is Respect (Physical Abuse)
- Love Is Respect (Sexual Abuse)
- Love Is Respect (Stalking)
Anxiety Disorder/Panic Attacks
- Half of Us
- Help Guide (Anxiety Attacks & Anxiety Disorder)
- Help Guide (Anxiety Medicine)
- Help Guide (General Anxiety Disorder)
- Help Guide (How to Stop Worrying)
- Help Guide (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
- Help Guide (Panic Attacks & Panic Disorder)
- Help Guide (Social Anxiety Disorder & Social Phobia)
- Help Guide (Therapy)
- Tanya Burr’s Blog Post
- Zoe Sugg’s Blog Post
- Zoe Sugg’s Video
- Half of Us
- Help Guide (Bipolar Disorder Medication Guide)
- Help Guide (Self Help)
- Help Guide (Signs and Symptoms)
- Help Guide (Treatment)
- Half of Us
- Help Guide (Dealing with Depression)
- Help Guide (Depression: Signs, Symptoms, Causes & Help)
- Help Guide (Teenage Depression: A Guide for Parents)
- Help Guide (Helping Someone with Depression)
- Help Guide (Older Adults & Elderly)
- Love is Louder
- To Write Love on Her Arms
- Half of Us
- Help Guide (Emotional Eating)
- Help Guide (Binge Eating)
- Help Guide (Bulimia)
- Help Guide (Helping Someone With an Eating Disorder)
- Help Guide (Treatment and Recovery)
- National Eating Disorder Association
Grief & Loss
- Help Guide (Coping with a Breakup or Divorce)
- Help Guide (Coping with Grief & Loss)
- Help Guide (Coping with Pet Loss)
- Help Guide (Supporting a Grieving Person)
- Help Guide (The Five Stages of Grief)
Suicidal Thoughts/Suicide Prevention
- American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
- Befrienders World
- Half of Us
- Help Guide (Dealing with Suicidal Thoughts & Feelings)
- Help Guide (Helping Someone with Bipolar Disorder)
- Help Guide (Suicide Prevention)
- International Association for Suicide Prevention
- National Suicide Prevention Hotline
If you need any help
Difficult, but determined.
Today has been a very good day
This morning wasn’t so well. I woke up in a grumpy mood and was irritated. My boyfriend asked me, “what’s going on in your head?!" Which in my opinion is very eye-opening. What was going on in my head?
I have recently been cyber stalked and harassed through Facebook. The girl behind this told me that she was drugged and raped before she started the harassment. I was nice enough to give her some techniques to cope with the situation, told her how long the process may be, and even gave her some numbers to call so she could talk to someone about it. Was it real? Or was it an opening to get me into her trap?
I hope she was telling the truth because sexual assault is nothing to joke about.
Anyway, I have been having some very hard feelings about being 21 and still being bullied, through cyberspace. Every time she would message me I would get the nerve to strike back, but I was the “bigger" person and did nothing. As the Tao would do. I sat back and watched her attack me with all of her ammunition. I finally took a stand for myself and went to the police. The officer who is helping me with this gave me all the steps I need to get this girl (she’s 24) to leave me alone. I sent her a message that said that if she would not stop harassing me that I would go to the police. The empty apologies and immediate harassing afterwards is not acceptable, especially from someone who does not know me. She apologized (once again), said she understood. I went to check to see if she had shared any of my status’ and she shared 3 of them! I asked her to delete them immediately and she did. Hopefully, I have ended this! If not, I am ready for step two.
Cyber bullying is NEVER acceptable and can very well lead to other dangerous behaviors; i.e stalking. If you know of anyone being bullied in any form please inform someone so they may have something done. It does more than hurt someone, it could psychologically damage someone and you might not even know it.
free falling: a response to “the best rape prevention: tell college women to stop getting so wasted,” an article published by emily... →
they told me not to sip too much from the solo cups
if I didn’t want to get raped tonight.
the feminist issue here is not keeping up
but keeping low, keeping unnoticed,
staying as safe as that moldy orange in the Safeway,
never gonna get plucked up and raped that way.
they told me not to…